Brian “Head” Welch Dishes it Out!!!

Brian Welch, otherwise known as Head, was the lead guitarist and co-founder of the heavy metal band Korn. After a marital breakdown and hitting rock bottom with drugs, he found peace in the Lord Jesus Christ. The following quotes taken from his biography “Save Me From Myself”, trace his rocky journey from depravity to salvation. Back in my heavy metal days, Korn never really did fall under my radar. In the eighties I got into quite a few big heavy metal bands such as Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, DIO, Black Sabbath, Def Leppard and Motley Crue just to name a few. But Korn, for some reason, never really caught my attention. And after checking out a couple of their tunes on Youtube, I didn’t really find their sound to be of my liking. But that’s another story. I bought Brian’s book because I figured it would be an interesting story of how Jesus pulled him from out of the brink of destruction and transformed him. I was not disappointed. If there are any Christians out there struggling with their faith or are struggling with what seem to be insurmountable problems, you should find these tidbits to be quite inspiring. Enjoy!

“When I wasn’t playing guitar, I was watching slasher flicks. I was a big horror film fanatic, from about twelve to age fourteen. I loved horror movies, all of ‘em. Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween-if it had some crazy guy killing people, I watched it.” Pg. 12

“I didn’t know anything about Christians or God or Jesus or anything. My only religious experience was when some priest sprinkled water on my head in an Episcopalian church when I was about three. When my brother and I were a little older (but still little kids-I think I was five), my mom tried to take us back to church for a few months, but we didn’t really like Sunday School, and my dad didn’t want to go, so that pretty much ended my religious experience.” Pg. 17

“Within two or three years of starting high school, I was hanging out with almost all of the guys that would eventually form Korn. It would be quite a while before we became one of the biggest rock bands on the planet, but our individual experiences during our high school years played a big role in making us the band we would become.” Pg. 21

“When I was seventeen, my grandmother-my dad’s mom-died, and it hit my dad hard. His sporadic battles with alcohol became much worse, and after her death, he started letting the alcohol win. His drinking was getting out of hand, just like mine was-the only difference was that no one in my family knew about mine. I was a master at hiding my drinking from my parents.” Pg. 27

“Though I kept it to myself, playing live had brought up one of my major issues with the band: the lead singer, Corey. While I was excited about playing with my friends, I had problems with Corey-mainly that, although he was a great singer, he didn’t have his own style or his own unique thing. With Corey fronting our band, I knew we wouldn’t get out of the club scene.” Pg. 42

“My career as a rock star seemed to include a lot of sleeping. When Korn left for our second tour, all I could do was sleep. As the bus pulled away from my house, I went straight to my bunk and fell asleep. I was still coming down off that speed binge, and though I got up a few times to go to the bathroom, I slept the whole three-day trip from Huntington Beach to New Orleans. Or maybe it was a five-day trip. I don’t know-I was asleep.” Pg. 63

“As for the shows themselves, those were great, and the fans were even better, but unfortunately on that tour, we all started drinking a lot more. In addition, cocaine became a big thing for us, myself included. While speed was considered dirty and gross, for some reason cocaine was okay. That was our thinking, anyway.” Pg. 65

“From all that partying and recording, I learned something interesting about the porn industry-mainly that’s it very similar to the music industry. For one thing, it’s all about money, and for another, most of the people in it are depressed druggies and alcoholics. As a result, we had a lot in common with many of those porn stars. In spite of the similarities, whenever I was around those porn industry people, I always sensed a strong, dark, depressing feeling in the air that freaked me out a bit.” Pg. 80

“While the fame was something that I’d always wanted, this was all much bigger than I had ever dreamed. It was fun, but it wasn’t what I imagined it would be. I don’t think it that it was what any of us imagined it would be. When I used to dream about fame and the rock star life, I always pictured myself being extremely happy. I pictured myself having fun all the time and loving life. I never saw myself as an out-of-control alcoholic and drug addict. I never imagined one of my band members would become suicidal. I never thought the pressure would be so serious that everyone in the band would fight all the time.” Pg. 88

“I knew I had to shake the drugs, but I just couldn’t. For one thing, I was too addicted-part of me didn’t want to quit. The enthusiasm from Korn’s early days was gone. I just sat there in so much dark depression and asked myself deep questions. How did I get here? Why can’t I enjoy this life? Isn’t being a rock star supposed to be fun? Why is my life such a nightmare? Why do bad things keep happening to me? It felt like I was under a curse, honestly. And it didn’t look like I was ever going to get out.” Pg. 115

“Like Ozzfest, much of the world tour was a blur. All I did was hang out by myself and do drugs, only this time instead of missing Ozzy, I missed out on some of the world’s coolest countries. But it didn’t matter to me. Nothing really mattered to me-nothing, that is except for the drugs and my computer. When I was high on meth, I became obsessed with my computer; it became my best friend. All I did when I was high on that world tour was try to write music on my computer for hours at a time, or look at porno on the internet. And this whole time, I had my kid living with me-my precious, five-year old daughter, who could only sit back and watch as her dad wasted away on drugs.” Pg. 117-118

“I had so much hope, but it quickly faded away when I thought about being a Christian. You don’t wasn’t to turn into one of those geeky people you see on the Christian channel on TV, I thought. Everyone would laugh at you. Don’t be an idiot. Then I had other thoughts that went the other direction. What, are you going to stay in Korn, stay hooked on drugs, and die? You going leave your kid fatherless?” pg. 126

“The tour ended a couple of weeks before Christmas, and just after I got home, Eric showed up at my house with an early Christmas gift: a Bible, with my name inscribed on the cover. I was expecting the big Christian sales pitch, but he wasn’t pushy at all. He just said, “Brian, if you ever want to talk about the Lord, let me know.” And then he left. That surprised me. I was sure he would be a pushy Christian now, but he totally wasn’t. Even so, I put that Bible away and got back to my drugs, I did poke my nose in it a couple of times-I felt kind of drawn to it-but I didn’t really understand it., so I would put it back down right away. Christmas came and went, and I was high the whole time. I felt pretty bad about it though, because I knew Christmas was supposed to be about the Lord’s birthday.” Pg. 129
“When I got to the coffee shop, I was still pretty tweaked out, but we still sat down in quiet part of the shop, and Eric started telling me about how Jesus loved me for no other reason than to love me. That it didn’t matter what I had done up to that point in my life-Jesus still loved me. When Eric was done, he suggested that I pray with him to ask Jesus back into my life. I thought, ‘No way. I’ve been up all night on speed, and I’m still high right now. If I pray this prayer while I’m high, I’ll go to hell for sure.’ I figured I had to clean myself up and get off drugs before I could even think about talking to God. Eric led me in the prayer, and I said it anyway, even though I felt a little bit pressured. As I drove home, I started freaking out. I felt like God was going to strike me down or something for praying to him while I was high. When I got home, I went straight to my bedroom, found the Bible Eric had given me, and started talking to God.” Pg. 131

“It’s worth mentioning that because meth is such an addictive drug, the success rate of kicking it is very low. When you try to live without it, the depression that the drug gives you tells you that you can’t-that you must have it to survive. But I knew I had to stop listening to the drug and at least give this God, this Jesus a chance.” Pg. 133

“’Jesus, that guy at church said you’re real. He said all I have to do is hang out with you and talk to you and that you would take these drugs away from me. Search my heart right now. You know I want to stop. I want to be a good father for Jennea. I tried rehabs and they didn’t work, so please take the urge to do drugs away from me. Forever. They’ve messed up my life. Please make me not want to die anymore, God. I don’t want to leave Jennea without a dad. She needs me.’ Then I snorted another line.” Pg. 133-134

“Another night after church, I felt like I needed to clean out my tour bags in my closet to make sure I didn’t have any more drugs, and sure enough I found a big bag of meth. I’d like to say that I flushed it, but that would be lying. Like a starving man faced with a peanut butter sandwich, I instantly chopped up the speed and snorted it.” Pg. 137

“Later that evening, I was sitting at my computer and flipping through the pages of my Bible, when I felt a peaceful presence hovering over me. Then I felt something hug me-wrapping me in an embrace. I don’t really know how to describe the feeling, other than to say it was like someone poured liquid love into my body and all around me. I had chills all over my whole body-I had never felt anything like that before in my life. I was caught up in total ecstasy. The high was higher than any drug I’d ever done in my life and I was instantly addicted to it. I looked up and gently said, ‘Father?’ There was nothing there for me to see, but I could feel his presence so strong. It was God. After an experience like that, you would think that I would have gotten up and thrown away every bit of speed that I had left. I mean, God opened up heaven for me and let me touch him, but after that experience was over, I ended up doing drugs all night. At about five in the morning, I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt an urgency to go to my Bible and open it. As soon as I opened my Bible, I saw a Scripture that completely jumped off the page and scared the hell out of me. It felt like God literally picked up the words from the Scripture and shoved them in my face. It was Ezekiel 18:20-The soul who sins is the one who will die. I instantly felt the fear of the Lord consume me, and I ran into my closet, grabbed the last bit of speed that I had and threw it all in my toilet. After I flushed it, I fell to the ground with my hands in the air and screamed at the top of my lungs, “I am done with drugs forever! God, did I pass the test in time?” pg. 141

“I’ve never done drugs or alcohol since, and I never will. Just like that, God took away my cravings. I’m not on any wagon, so I will never fall off any wagon. I’m just done. I tried to quit alcohol and drugs many times while I was in Korn, but I was never able to do it. On that day, all of my addictions (drugs, alcohol, money, pornography) were completely broken from my life. I knew that, because I now had God in my life, I’d be totally free from my addiction to drugs and alcohol forever. The war was over. I was done running from God. I just wanted to rest in his arms and be free, and that’s exactly what I did.” Pg. 141

“I quit Korn. I completely walked away from everything. Life-as I had known it-was over. That was it.” Pg. 148

“Since that day, I’ve been totally living in faith, totally relying on God to fill out every major and minor detail in my life. From growing my faith, to recording my music, to helping me raise my kid, to providing money for me to pay the bills and every other provision I need in life.” Pg. 148

“Now I want to share with you my victories and struggles about living the real Christian life, the real walk of faith. Not the phony stuff you sometimes see on TV, but the type of life where we walk with God the same way the disciples in the New Testament walked with Christ. It’s a full-on, risk-filled life that I believe God desires all Christians to live. It’s when you completely lay down every part of your life so Christ can live through you.” Pg. 148

“When you decide to trust in God that way, you don’t take care of yourself anymore-God takes care of you. It isn’t easy at first though; it goes against every logical thing we’ve ever been taught our whole lives, so some of what I say may sound weird. That’s how I felt at first, and I had to overcome a lot of unbelief as I learned about walking this real walk of faith, since it runs counter to the way most people live. To tell you the truth, there are a lot of Christians who don’t even live with the Lord this way, either.” Pg. 148-149

“Here’s my opinion on speaking in tongues: If you want to have the most faith you can have on this earth, learn to pray in tongues. If you find it too weird and you prefer to live a good, quiet Christian life, don’t pray in tongues. If you find it too weird and prefer to live a good, quiet Christian life, don’t pray in tongues. It’s just that simple. It all comes down to personal choice, just like everything else in life. God will love you the same whether you pray in tongues or not.” Pg. 173

“Giving money to people and ministries when God tells you to is very important to him. He knows that we work hard to make that money; he knows how much money can mean to us, because most of us spend more time at work than we do at home with our families. But as you give whatever amount the Lord tells you to give, you’re showing him that you trust him to take care of your needs. You’re showing him that money is not your god. When you give, he sees how you give as well as the attitude you give with, and he ends up giving you back more than you gave anyway.” Pg. 208

“You can imagine how I felt when I found out I wasn’t going to get money from Korn, and then I saw my bank account getting lower and lower after buying my house, recording equipment, and giving some money away. I really had to start learning about God’s provision, because I was panicking. I said, “God, look at my bank account! I gotta pay my mortgage! I gotta take care of my kid! This is lower than I’ve seen it in ten years! Please fill it back up! I gave a buttload of money to those ministries, like you told me to! Where’s the return?” Of course, God was testing my faith and trust in Him. He was showing me that He was all I needed. He was letting my bank account get to the point where I really needed more money in it to live. It wasn’t just a mental, greedy thing where I just wanted more money. At that point, I really needed more. And he put it in there. From that, I learned that now money comes from wherever the Lord sends it from. He pays me, not anyone else. I can’t even tell you how much this flipped my mind. Totally renewed it. God set me free from greed and worry. Because worrying about money is a huge problem for a lot of people. It’s stressful. It was for me. Since I started walking with God, I try not to worry about money or anything else anymore. Besides, Jesus says in Matthew 6:25-34 not to worry about our lives. The Lord will take care of us. He wants everyone to live a stress-free, worry-free life.” Pg. 208-209

“One day I felt so much pain and torment in my soul that I totally lost it and screamed at God. ‘Fuck you God!’ I yelled. ‘I hate you!’ ‘Get away from me, get out of my life, and leave me the fuck alone.’ ‘I thought I got saved.’ ‘Why are you letting me go through this hell?’ ‘Why are you letting me go through this torture?’ I didn’t know what I was saying. I didn’t know what I was feeling; I didn’t even know what I was thinking. But even after I said those horrible things to God, I felt him smiling down on me. He gently helped me understand that I had done a lot of damage to myself over the years, and it was going to take time to heal those wounds.” Pg. 213

“The Lord knew it was going to be hard for me to change into the person he wanted me to be, because I was so used to living the total opposite. He had a lot of hell to squeeze out of me, and believe me-when the hell leaves you, sometimes it screams at God on the way out. And when the pain from the past leaves you, sometimes you have to feel it again on the way out. There is nothing we can say or do that will separate us from the Lord’s love. I was really bummed out after yelling at God like that. But the truth is, when I accepted Christ, God became my heavenly Father. And if one day, my daughter Jennea came up to me and screamed at me, “Fuck you dad!” I would still love her the same. And God still loves me the same. Those times really made me thankful that the blood of Jesus covered all my sins and that God would never count them against me.” Pg. 213

“Take it from me: nothing you chase after on this earth will satisfy you like a real, everyday, intimate relationship with Christ. Nothing. Trust me. While I was in Korn, I had people waiting on me left and right. Anything I wanted, I got. Anywhere I wanted to go, I went. All I had to do was give the word and it happened. I had the world in the palm of my hand, people, and I have to tell you one last time: there’s nothing there. I promise you. Jesus Christ is the only one who can make you complete. That’s it. That’s THE END of my story. Well, on, second thought, it’s actually only the beginning because my life is just getting started.” Pg. 218