Guy Kawasaki Dishes out the Top Sixteen Lies of Lawyers

Although I like Fred Greguras, lawyers lie as much as venture capitalists, entrepreneurs, CEOs, marketers, and engineers. No matter who the source is, lies are lies, and you need to understand exactly what’s going on when you talk to your lawyers.

1. “I’m really excited about what you are doing and will give your company my personal attention.” Once someone gets to the partner level, “making it rain” is as important as doing work. This is part of a standard sales pitch, so don’t let it go to your head.

2. “Our firm is really excited about what you’re doing, so we’d like to invest in your company, too.” Also part of the standard sales pitch. Most firms invest in most of their startup clients-it’s simply the law of big numbers: Invest in enough dumb ideas, and one will be a Google.

3. “We can work on the billing so that you pay us when you get financed.” The final flattery in a good sales pitch. As with the others, don’t think you’re special. This is a standard offer.

4. “I’ll have that to you by the end of the day.” The important question to ask when you hear this is, “End of which day?” Because every day has an end. And you should find out how your lawyer defines the end of the day: 6:00pm or 11:59pm, today, tomorrow, or next week.

5. “Don’t worry about the date on that option grant; it’s not a big deal.” Unless you enjoy getting indicted, you should run from a lawyer who utters such stupidity.

6. “The bill would be lower if it weren’t for the lawyers on the other side.” The lawyers on the other side are saying this about your lawyers, too.

7. “I thought you were more interested in getting it right rather than saving a few dollars.” In other words, the legal bill for your Series A funding may exceed the amount of capital raised.

8. “Your case is much stronger than theirs; I’m sure we can convince them to see things to see things our way.” If your position is strong, you don’t need lawyers. It’s when your position is weak that you need them. Also, your opponent is hearing the same thing about their case.

9. “We have relationships at the highest level in Shanghai/Munich/Mumbai/New York/Los Angeles.” In other words, someone from the firm once flew in first class to Shanghai/Munich/Mumbai/New York/Los Angeles with the vice premier’s uncle’s sister’s nephew.

10. “We’d much rather be on the company side than on the investor side.” Let me get this straight: You believe your lawyer would rather be on the side of two guys/gals in a garage who are raising $500,000 than on the side of a venture capital fund managing $500 million whose partners play golf at the same country club?

11. “We usually don’t bill the full retainer; it only happens if there are unforeseen issues that come up.” One of two things is happening: Either you’ve been sandbagged with an artificially high estimate or your lawyer just passed the bar.

12. “Sure we’re busy, but I’ll make sure you don’t get handed off to a green associate.” Translation: Your main contact passed the bar a year ago.

13. “I’ve done work with Google/Microsoft/Apple, so I know how to structure deals with them.” Translation: “My favorite search engine is Google, which I use on my Windows laptop while I’m listening to my iPod.”

14. “We think you will have a very strong patent.” If you hear this, ask this question: “So if Microsoft infringes on our patent, we’d win the lawsuit?”

15. “We know the opposing attorneys, so we’ll be able to work out something quickly and cheaply.” There is no such thing as quickly and cheaply. There are only good and expensive, quick and lousy, and cheap and lousy. Pick one.

16. “I can call several venture capitalists to help you secure funding.” Actually, you should select your lawyer as much for his connections to the venture capital community as for his legal expertise. However, take this very literally: He “can” call. This is different from “will” call.

You probably found these lies amusing-as you should. You won’t be laughing, though, when you are the victim of them, and this is no lie. That day will come.

SOURCE: "Reality Check: The Irreverent Guide to Outsmarting, Outmanaging, and Outmarketing Your Competition" ISBN:978-1-59184-223-1 Pages 59-61